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Shotover Jet. A truly yawn-inspiring experience.
I knew I was in trouble when about halfway through the experience I
was looking at the sky and checking how my polarised sunglass lenses
affected the colour of the sky and worried more about how to keep
from getting another cold spray of water down my neck than about what
the truly tame driver was doing.
The literature: "We do 360 degree turns at speed in the length of the
boat, which gives you an idea what these boats are capable of!"
The truth: "'At speed' is really a fuzzy phrase. I could mean ten
kph, right? And hey, since we think this is exciting, let's do it
thirty times in thirty minutes, despite the fact that it got boring
after the first three times!"
The literature: "The only jet boat company licensed to operate in the
spectacular shotover rock canyons!"
The truth: "We own this section of the river, so we don't let anyone
else operate here. We don't do anything special. Our literature
implies our boat drivers are skilled and able to do hair-raising
manoeuvres, but in fact, our boat drivers are tame."
The literature: "You will skim within centimetres of sheer rock walls
at high speeds!"
The truth: "Well, no-one else in the world really uses the term
'decimetres' so why should we? Anything under a metre can really be
considered 'centimetres,' right?"
The literature: "Our drivers are highly trained... The scariest and most painful part of the Shotever Jet Experience was this badly-maintained wood rail that put a splinter into my finger. The last views of the river near the Shotover Jet place. A nice place really! Here are some pictures in and around the Southern Laughter place where we stayed in Queenstown. I think it was a pretty nice place. Then we paid our $30 to get two of us to the top of the gondola ride so we could get a better view of the Queenstown area and the lake. There isn't a view in the world that isn't enhanced with the mugshot of a couple of tourists in front of it! Why else in the world would so many tourists do it? Here's proof that Fenny and I were still together at this time. Fenny and I share a romantic moment and, in grand movie tradition, we censor it by taking pictures of the shadows so you have to guess what was going on. At this point, if memory serves correctly, I milled about in a crowd of about seventy other tourists and took pictures of the view. There were Japanese tourists. Spanish. Italian. Japanese. German. Japanese! And if that wasn't enough, there was this doofy American guy with a red rainjacket taking literally hundreds of pictures. Here's a picture for you. Right in the very centre of the picture is the Southern Laughter set o' buildings for you to look at. The yellow and blue building behind the pointy green tree is the part that we didn't stay in, and the long building with the silver-gray roof to its right is the building we did stay in. If you look at the building on the right, and you know what you're looking for (and you don't) you can see the tables out on the deck, and a little swinging chair for people to sit in. I took lots of pictures of Queenstown from way up high. You could even use these pictures to trace where Fenny and I ate, slept, shopped for groceries, and everything! Then, sometimes, I took pictures of big hills, water, and other such beautiful scenery. Sometimes just the stuff that was up there. A restaurant and a luge course. Views of the scenery from inside the restaurant. The funny glass on the place changed the colour a bit. But it was a lot warmer inside where there wasn't a gail-force cold wind blowing in my face. A candid portrait of my left index finger. Because I know you haven't seen enough pictures of the scenery at the top of the Queenstown gondola, I take more for you. This way you can remember it forever, how it was when I was there. ...and then a helicopter took off. It was glorious, and you can look at these pictures anytime you want to recreate the drama in your head. The lamest bungy jump in the Queenstown area. But photos make it look impressive, so people still do it. ...and then a helicopter landed. Wow. Some views of my fellow tourists. Fenny and I try our damndest to prove our Tourist Spirit! The tourist motto: Take Pictures with Stupid Things so you'll always remember your lameness! It's okay. I like being lame. It's what I do best. I like graveyards, because dead people live there. Many scenes from the Queenstown waterfront. A man. A sheep. New Zealand. |
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